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I keep having second thoughts about my keeping new parasite, and if that weren't bothersome enough, when I think about having those thoughts, I feel guilty. Why am I allowed to have children when I'm so obviously incapable of loving them the way children deserve to be loved by their mothers?

Thank God for Ryan. Most days I swear he has enough love to pick up my slack.

Finally got Emmeline's 6 month pictures back. I see her every day, yet I never notice how much she's grown until I see it in pictures. It feels like I'm missing things. I didn't think twice about her hair until I was looking at the pictures of her first solid foods, just a few months ago, when she was nearly as bald as a cue ball. Now she's got so much hair it needs to be combed every day, and I can put things in it. It's weird how things like that can sneak up on you just because they're so slow; so gradual.

I'm glad it's a new year. Even though logically I know there's nothing that will make January 1st drastically different than December 31st, I can't shake the feeling that it's a fresh start of sorts. December was dramatic, there's no other word. It's been a distracting and depressing month, but it's pushed me back to the release that is writing about it. To recap: I had a minor breakdown, we learn Ryan's dad, George, has pancreatic cancer, the venue we booked for our wedding goes out of business (a blessing in disguise, perhaps, but still upsetting), an unexpected, somewhat unwelcome pregnancy, and Grandma Maxine's declining health makes it seem unlikely she'll be with us in 2011. Then there are all the implications from these, and then the little every day stresses that make life almost unbearable.

It's too much sadness for such a dark time of year. It seems like I only just put the threads of my sanity back together when they begin to unravel again. I'm back in therapy, but it isn't helping much. I don't connect with her; I'm not comfortable with her. I feel like she's going to judge me. It's strange. I can sit with my laptop and type for hours about how I feel and post it to the masses of the Internet, where anyone, anyone at all, can read it and countless people, strangers or no, surely judge me, and it makes me feel better, but I can't get anywhere with formal therapy. Perhaps it's just because there are no faces, no raised eyebrows, no interjections. I don't know. I wish I did, though. Not understanding it is eating away at me.

Despite all my second thoughts, and how much I despise being pregnant, I don't believe I could even seriously talk to a physician about abortion, let alone go through with it. It's not the best option this time. I'm not an 18 year old high school kid anymore. I've started to grow attached to it already, anyway.

The way I feel about Emmeline, and to a lesser extent the new fetus, is mentally exhausting, and often confusing. Emmeline drives me insane, but I don't think I could live without her. Cletus the Fetus, more than Emmeline, has taken things from me. Because of it, my wedding will be delayed another year, and I'm less likely to get back to college any time soon. The wedding is a petty thing to whine over, but I've romanticized it in my mind. It's a silly thing, but to me, it's a big deal. Something I was really looking forward to, something I really wanted this fall... and I can't have it. Not when I want it, at least. It's upsetting, but as Ryan pointed out, I'll get more joy from a child in the long run. Through all the crying, frustration, and bodily fluids are the things like toothless, slobbery grins earned with such ease or a warm little body curled up asleep next to you that give me warm fuzzies inside. I guess long story short is, it's worth it. You just have to keep those happy parts in mind, or the frustrating parts will chisel away at you until you collapse.
12th-Dec-2009 01:57 am - asdfjkl;
I've been sleep deprived.
Ryan's been sleep deprived.

For the longest time we both assumed it was only because of Emmeline and teething, but, though she's a major part Sunday through Thursday nights, on weekends the biggest offender is Microsoft. We stay up way later than is rational playing with the Xbox. Killing zombies is the shit.
30th-May-2009 07:45 pm(no subject)
28th-May-2009 12:25 am - postpartum elation
I just realized how much I've changed in three years. It's a rather odd feeling. It is neither good nor bad, simply odd.

Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's pain meds, maybe it's attention, but today, right now, I am happier than I've been in months. Although I am terrified of what's to come, I'm exhilarated as well.

I do not think I will ever experience another moment such as this.

27th-May-2009 09:23 pm - Not a miracle.
Emmeline Maxine born May 27th, 2009 1:20 pm. She weighed 7 pounds, 5 ounces, and was 19 inches long (and/or tall). Devon loaned his camera to Ryan on the condition I don't touch it (this is in writing, lol) so pictures eventually maybe if I remember.
21st-May-2009 06:23 pm - linkspam
Rock Band Storage Ottoman (Chip Chick)

PlayStation Palmar Hidradenitis (BBC)

Ctrl Alt Del pillows (Geek Pad)

OCD Video Game Moments (The Minus World) Only here because I do #4 every time, and they mention Full House (Saget<3)

20 Pictures That Give Glamour Shots A Bad Name (Big Stupid Idiot)

Video Game Girl Burlesque Show (LA Weekly)
14th-May-2009 07:57 am(no subject)
When I said, "Make a playlist for me & I'll love you forever + a day," I was lying.

  1. 155 - (+44)
  2. About Rain - Sequoyah Prep School
  3. Always and Never - Silverstein
  4. After the Devil Beats His Wife - Emery
  5. The Bitch Song - Bowling for Soup
  6. Death to Inconvenience - Emery
  7. Discovering the Waterfront - Silverstein
  8. Dumpweed - Blink-182
  9. Every Man Has a Molly - Say Anything
  10. Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - Plain White T's
  11. The Girl's A Straight-Up Hustler - All Time Low
  12. Gives You Hell - All American Rejects
  13. Giving Up - Silverstein
  14. Hush Hush - The Spill Canvas
  15. Liar (It Takes One To Know One) - Taking Back Sunday
  16. A Lonely September - Plain White T's
  17. Love Me Dead - Ludo
  18. Miss Behavin' - Emery
  19. Newport Living - Cute Is What We Aim For
  20. Okay, I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't - Brand New
  21. Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows - Brand New
  22. Remembering Sunday - All Time Low
  23. Screaming Infidelities - Dashboard Confessional
  24. Shameless - All Time Low
  25. Sic Transit Gloria ... Glory Fades - Brand New
  26. Smashed Into Pieces - Silverstein
  27. So Cold I Could See My Breath - Emery
  28. So Damn Clever - Plain White T's
  29. Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge
  30. Tell That Mick... - Fall Out Boy
  31. The Terrible Secret - Emery
  32. True Romance - Silverstein
  33. Typical - Tickle Me Pink
  34. Walls - Emery
Just guess.
1st-May-2009 01:02 am(no subject)
Androgynous names irk me. They are rarely ever a girl name being used on boys, because whenever a name becomes feminine parents of boys run away, and thus names like Courtney, Taylor, Whitney, Ashley (!!!!!), and Leslie are now considered completely feminine. Because they do eventually become girl names, they fail at being an equalizer. Besides that, giving an androgynous name to a girl sort of seem to say, "I don't think my daughter Violet will be given the same opportunities as a girl named Peyton, because her gender is too evident on paper." That more or less comes down to "girls aren't as good as boys," and I don't know how anyone else feels, but that's not a message I'm eager to hand my child. Besides, whoever's passing over girly names (but gives you a shot because your name is Hayden) will figure out you're a girl eventually anyway, and odds are their sexual discrimination won't change just because your name is gender nonspecific. Further adding to the nuisance that is androgynous names, having gender in question is annoying. If someone introduces their children to you saying, "These are my children, Dakota and Skyler," you're left to ponder over which is the girl and which is the boy... and it can't be too swell to be a girl named Casey when people frequently assume you're male.
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