I keep having second thoughts about my keeping new parasite, and if that weren't bothersome enough, when I think about having those thoughts, I feel guilty. Why am I allowed to have children when I'm so obviously incapable of loving them the way children deserve to be loved by their mothers?
Thank God for Ryan. Most days I swear he has enough love to pick up my slack.
Finally got Emmeline's 6 month pictures back. I see her every day, yet I never notice how much she's grown until I see it in pictures. It feels like I'm missing things. I didn't think twice about her hair until I was looking at the pictures of her first solid foods, just a few months ago, when she was nearly as bald as a cue ball. Now she's got so much hair it needs to be combed every day, and I can put things in it. It's weird how things like that can sneak up on you just because they're so slow; so gradual.
I'm glad it's a new year. Even though logically I know there's nothing that will make January 1st drastically different than December 31st, I can't shake the feeling that it's a fresh start of sorts. December was dramatic, there's no other word. It's been a distracting and depressing month, but it's pushed me back to the release that is writing about it. To recap: I had a minor breakdown, we learn Ryan's dad, George, has pancreatic cancer, the venue we booked for our wedding goes out of business (a blessing in disguise, perhaps, but still upsetting), an unexpected, somewhat unwelcome pregnancy, and Grandma Maxine's declining health makes it seem unlikely she'll be with us in 2011. Then there are all the implications from these, and then the little every day stresses that make life almost unbearable.
It's too much sadness for such a dark time of year. It seems like I only just put the threads of my sanity back together when they begin to unravel again. I'm back in therapy, but it isn't helping much. I don't connect with her; I'm not comfortable with her. I feel like she's going to judge me. It's strange. I can sit with my laptop and type for hours about how I feel and post it to the masses of the Internet, where anyone, anyone at all, can read it and countless people, strangers or no, surely judge me, and it makes me feel better, but I can't get anywhere with formal therapy. Perhaps it's just because there are no faces, no raised eyebrows, no interjections. I don't know. I wish I did, though. Not understanding it is eating away at me.
Despite all my second thoughts, and how much I despise being pregnant, I don't believe I could even seriously talk to a physician about abortion, let alone go through with it. It's not the best option this time. I'm not an 18 year old high school kid anymore. I've started to grow attached to it already, anyway.
The way I feel about Emmeline, and to a lesser extent the new fetus, is mentally exhausting, and often confusing. Emmeline drives me insane, but I don't think I could live without her. Cletus the Fetus, more than Emmeline, has taken things from me. Because of it, my wedding will be delayed another year, and I'm less likely to get back to college any time soon. The wedding is a petty thing to whine over, but I've romanticized it in my mind. It's a silly thing, but to me, it's a big deal. Something I was really looking forward to, something I really wanted this fall... and I can't have it. Not when I want it, at least. It's upsetting, but as Ryan pointed out, I'll get more joy from a child in the long run. Through all the crying, frustration, and bodily fluids are the things like toothless, slobbery grins earned with such ease or a warm little body curled up asleep next to you that give me warm fuzzies inside. I guess long story short is, it's worth it. You just have to keep those happy parts in mind, or the frustrating parts will chisel away at you until you collapse.
I've been sleep deprived.
Ryan's been sleep deprived.
For the longest time we both assumed it was only because of Emmeline and teething, but, though she's a major part Sunday through Thursday nights, on weekends the biggest offender is Microsoft. We stay up way later than is rational playing with the Xbox. Killing zombies is the shit.
I just realized how much I've changed in three years. It's a rather odd feeling. It is neither good nor bad, simply odd.
Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's pain meds, maybe it's attention, but today, right now, I am happier than I've been in months. Although I am terrified of what's to come, I'm exhilarated as well.
I do not think I will ever experience another moment such as this.
Emmeline Maxine born May 27th, 2009 1:20 pm. She weighed 7 pounds, 5 ounces, and was 19 inches long (and/or tall). Devon loaned his camera to Ryan on the condition I don't touch it (this is in writing, lol) so pictures eventually maybe if I remember.
When I said, "Make a playlist for me & I'll love you forever + a day," I was lying.
- 155 - (+44)
- About Rain - Sequoyah Prep School
- Always and Never - Silverstein
- After the Devil Beats His Wife - Emery
- The Bitch Song - Bowling for Soup
- Death to Inconvenience - Emery
- Discovering the Waterfront - Silverstein
- Dumpweed - Blink-182
- Every Man Has a Molly - Say Anything
- Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - Plain White T's
- The Girl's A Straight-Up Hustler - All Time Low
- Gives You Hell - All American Rejects
- Giving Up - Silverstein
- Hush Hush - The Spill Canvas
- Liar (It Takes One To Know One) - Taking Back Sunday
- A Lonely September - Plain White T's
- Love Me Dead - Ludo
- Miss Behavin' - Emery
- Newport Living - Cute Is What We Aim For
- Okay, I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't - Brand New
- Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows - Brand New
- Remembering Sunday - All Time Low
- Screaming Infidelities - Dashboard Confessional
- Shameless - All Time Low
- Sic Transit Gloria ... Glory Fades - Brand New
- Smashed Into Pieces - Silverstein
- So Cold I Could See My Breath - Emery
- So Damn Clever - Plain White T's
- Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge
- Tell That Mick... - Fall Out Boy
- The Terrible Secret - Emery
- True Romance - Silverstein
- Typical - Tickle Me Pink
- Walls - Emery
Androgynous names irk me. They are rarely ever a girl name being used on boys, because whenever a name becomes feminine parents of boys run away, and thus names like Courtney, Taylor, Whitney, Ashley (!!!!!), and Leslie are now considered completely feminine. Because they do eventually become girl names, they fail at being an equalizer. Besides that, giving an androgynous name to a girl sort of seem to say, "I don't think my daughter Violet will be given the same opportunities as a girl named Peyton, because her gender is too evident on paper." That more or less comes down to "girls aren't as good as boys," and I don't know how anyone else feels, but that's not a message I'm eager to hand my child. Besides, whoever's passing over girly names (but gives you a shot because your name is Hayden) will figure out you're a girl eventually anyway, and odds are their sexual discrimination won't change just because your name is gender nonspecific. Further adding to the nuisance that is androgynous names, having gender in question is annoying. If someone introduces their children to you saying, "These are my children, Dakota and Skyler," you're left to ponder over which is the girl and which is the boy... and it can't be too swell to be a girl named Casey when people frequently assume you're male.